Forever In Memories Hall

A week ago my Nanna, Nola Adams, passed away leaving her partner of 70 years, Cyrus Adams, and a large loving family. I also lost my Great Aunty Beth (who had just turned 100) a couple of days later.

They both lived long and happy lives, and I'm extremely thankful for that, and to have shared so much of mine with them. Particularly considering the poor young souls who lost their lives in the terrible tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut, last Friday. They should have all had the opportunity for their grandchildren to tell stories about them like this one. My thoughts are with the families and community effected.

For those in the know (which is just close family and friends) you will notice there are many quotes and references to the poetry Cyrus wrote for Nola over their lives together. 

One other explanation - "The Hello" is what my Uncle Robert called the telephone when he was a toddler. I thought that was quite a funny and personal little memory to add.

Nanna was a special person, as I believe the poem will illustrate, and myself (and all the family) will miss her greatly. But none more than Grandy (Cyrus), and my heart goes out to him with this poem. I wish so much I could hug him, but I hope this poem is a close second. 

Forever In Memories Hall

Click here to hear me recite this poem

In the fourth year of The Forties true love's lance did pass

Through the heart of a Chapel Alley Boy, in his first typing class.

For when his eyes locked with the teacher's he went flush in the face

And with her frequent instruction he soon typed at a pace!

But no pace could compare to his wildly beating heart

For this girl of true worth, from whom he soon dread to part.

Yet part he must, for Avondale's gates soon did call

But he placed her picture safely in Memories Hall.

And oh, how slow passed those three years of time.

He poured out his longing in rhythm and rhyme,

To his auburn-haired love, and recalled the joys had

When each heart enriched the other with feelings glad.

And the leading of our Savior's hand did see

That in Fourty-Seven, On the Second of January,

They would marry, and head straight to Fijian shores

To build a family while in loyal service to The Lord.

So soon there was Robert, with a splinted leg.

And Rosalind, with Mum's auburn hair on her head.

Then Janice came when two more short years had flown,

'Til they all took turns talking on "The Hello" to home.

Still the love between Nola and Cyrus did thrive,

No matter what challenges would come in their lives.

For Nola was ever his "Inspiring Star":

His "Wanderer's Guide", whether near or far.

And she also guided us kids, with much wise advice,

Always candid and consistent, caring and concise.

"A glass of water when you rise", "Be respectful in dress"

"What Kraft or Kellogg's may do well, Sanitarium does best!"

But most importantly, "never let peer pressure get to you,

It's not worth turning your insides all blackened right through.

For those who frown or give disapproving looks

Are not friends worth having, in our Nanna's books.

And she'd never forget the dish each grandchild preferred

So at each family gathering we couldn't wait to be served.

And oh, we loved her Mulberry or Fig & Ginger Jam

And much of it was donated, or sold on market stands.

So for seven happy decades Nanna warmed good Grandy's heart,

Just as that first phone call that got them their start.

For a woman of such giving is so rare to find

So committed to God in body and mind.

So many she prayed for in earnest each night

Then each day (bar one) worked in quiet delight

For family and friends, for the needy and hurt

Not for glory, but always for spreading The Word

And it's this long impeccable life that she led,

This care that she shared from breakfast ‘til bed,

That sees so many here in remembrance today

To thank The Lord for sending dear Nola our way.

So I end this poem with a loving line straight from Cy

That he wrote "To Nola!" in a year gone by;

"For God in His goodness has made us both one,

And so we'll remain till days are all done."

Oh Nanna, how we love you - and 'til The Lord's second call

Your picture stands forever in Memories Hall.

One Day Without It

One Day Without It

One day without it
Not quite cold turkey
It's still around
The way it used to be
But not here in my hand

And at first that makes me stress
That absence
That aloneness
To not have it close
To caress 
My safety blanket
My instant fix
My brain engaging happiness

It's my latest addiction
The worst I think
There was no resistance
It's everywhere now
In fact, it's required for existence

But not today
Some time away
And I must say
Something began to change
As the day moved along
And my brain could not be drawn
Down the hole that I've recently worn
Away at until it fit me more and more
Or I fit it, I'm not quite sure

It is good, there's no denying it
Life before it seems harder
And I'm sure I'm getting smarter
Yet despite it being a priceless time saving treasure
It has kept me away from really matters

To me anyway
Because I used to think all day
With my creative mind awake
And now I see how that has faded

For as the hours went by
And this little addiction of mine
Was still confined 
Back by my bed at home
Quietly alone
Untouched and frustrated I know
My inspiration grew
Free to explore itself anew
Like rediscovering its youth

And so these words you read
Came to me 
And with no distractions from a screen
They survived
To be solidified, outside my mind
On my handy friend I now quietly despise
But I caress again
And feel relief to know it's close, but then...

Considering it all now in hindsight
This experience might help me find
The will to curb this addiction that had sent me blind
To the chaining of my mind

Just naming something "smart"
Doesn't mean it should monopolise your time
For the genesis of art
Is a mind engaged solely by 
Whatever wonders inside itself it's free to find

Monday Motivational - Running Up That Hill

For those Kate Bush fans drawn in by the title of this entry, you'll have to read on for your explanation...



Yeah, that photos a little scary, I know. But I'd just run 4 miles, training for a half-marathon in August.

And that was just 5 minutes ago. I'm still all sweaty and look a blotchy pink colour. I figured it would be good for me to share a bad photo, just to keep it real.

So a lot of things have me very weighed down mentally of late and I was in no mood to run. Thankfully Sam convinced me to go though.

We decided to do 4 miles and head towards Palisades Park, which looks out over Santa Monica Beach and the Santa Monica Pier. The first 2 miles are downhill, but then you have to come back - which of course means back up the hill.

Feeling noticeably flat I went very slowly on the downhill stretch, not really breaking a sweat, not feeling very enthused, not working hard - but I was doing it. I was moving.

When I turned around to come back up the hill I flicked a switch inside myself. I realised that just going slowly and not really trying as I was coming back up the hill was a bad idea, as coming up a hill is hard work regardless. I felt like if I went slow and didn't push then the long, slow haul would get the better of me. Instead I stepped my pace up to as hard as I could and pushed all the way back, 2 miles uphill.

I think I learnt (or re-learnt) something about myself - I'm much happier when I'm pushing myself and achieving something that I feel good about.

People have been telling me recently to be patient with my music career and stop trying so hard. I believe this is valid, like the hair and the tortoise I guess - it's not how fast you go but how consistent and persistent you are. When you're facing a big hill though I think there are times when you just have to push through it, hard as you can. Until it hurts. Until you have nothing left.

I think this is what works for me, and this is what I'm going to try harder to do.

There is one catch though - I knew I'd reach my goal in 2 more miles and I could rest, feeling satisfied that I'd finished the run. I don't really get these sorts of clear, measured goals with my music. Completing a song is a goal for example, but not with a finite "distance" unfortunately. But I'm sure I can work harder to create them, then give myself a rest when they're achieved.  When your goal is close you can push harder, so I need to always have a clear short term goal for my writing so that I can keep pushing to that point of rest and satisfaction. That was what got this blog started in fact.

It's here that I should tell you I was being motivated by the Kate Bush track "Running Up That Hill", but in truth the track that came on my iPod that helped me push harder was "Let's Go" by Mardi Diaz, but that tune doesn't carry the same hipster appeal, does it. Still an apt title and a great song.

Time to take a shower and clean up...

Time To Wake Up

"As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death." ~ Leonardo da Vinci

A friend of mine wrote this article about sleep habits and productivity recently and I found it very relevant to me. I'd say it would be relevant to most actually, as we do spend (hopefully) a third of our lives asleep.

It's generally promoted that happiness comes from not working, but I believe happiness comes from productivity, simply because productivity is required to achieve whatever personal success we desire from life, but also because it's what drives our feeling of purpose in life. So being productive from day to day is not only crucial for success, but also for daily happiness, which is the basic subdivision of a happy life.

"The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work." ~ Mark Twain

I want to break this down further. I feel the most satisfaction when I have a productive morning as I feel less stress and pressure on the latter part of the day to get a pile of things done. When my alarm goes off though, this is the last thing on my mind. All I'm thinking is "I need more sleep".

Productivity and prioritization are my biggest focuses, and bad sleep patterns are making this more difficult for me at the moment. One thing that will help pull all this in line is always getting up at the same time, which right now needs to be 6am unfortunatey. Not my preference at all (although normal and preferred for many I realise.) I want to always be up early and then get things done early in the day and then allow my brain to slow and settle so I can get to sleep earlier, and repeat this cycle. This habit will fuel health and happiness ~ and all of the above fuels productivity, which fuels happiness...and so the cycle goes.

The article I mentioned earlier encourages not using an alarm but for some of us that simply isn't an option in my opinion. So here's what I've done before to help me get straight out of bed. And I'm going to try it again.

Mobile phones can now use any recording as a ringtone or alarm sound. To help me remember how good it feels to have been productive I record a "Wake Up Statement" and make it my alarm sound. How to do this varies from phone to phone so I won't go into it.

Here is my latest "Wake Up Statement";

"Get up now and get productive. If you want more sleep then get to bed earlier tonight. Right now you have to commit to getting the things done that really matter, so you'll finish the day with the happiness and satisfaction of having been productive. It's time to wake up!"

This is my old one, which I used in London, 2009;

"Wake up Josh, and make a positive step towards your dreams. Yesterday is history and now you have to do the very best you can with today so that tomorrow’s history is something to be positive about. Follow your plan for the day and make it happen. Remember the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson and think positive, as you will then act positive, become a more positive person and ultimately reach a positive destiny. Every hour counts so get up right now and make the most of your day.

The old one isn't concise enough, which is something I'm always working on. And with that in mind...thanks for reading...

Wait ~ one last concise quote. This outlines the real power I'm trying to tap into with this post ~ attitude!

"For success, attitude is equally as important as ability. ~ Harry F. Banks

Lest We Forget

It's approaching dawn on ANZAC day here in Los Angeles. I'm thousands of miles from home, and in a country that spends nearly as much on war as every other nation in the world combined, so I really felt the need to write about the ANZACs, and the term "Lest We Forget". To save me getting on a rant about US Foreign Policy I'm going skip to the poem I wrote just a moment ago.

My 98-year-old great-aunt still cries while telling the story of riding down to the port on her older brother's shoulders, before saying goodbye to him for what would turn out to be the last time. She tells the story like it was yesterday, not over 90 years ago. I will keep her weak old voice and teary eyes in my mind forever, and will pass the story on. I'm not writing her story in this poem, but I will another ANZAC Day.

It's also a relevant day to read my World War II based poem, To Value a Crust of Bread.


"Lest We Forget"

It could be so easy to forget
When the threats not there on our doorstep
But once men offered their lives without pay
To fight so we'd be free this day
So hopefully none of us would would have to see
The evils they saw endlessly

For if they lived and made it back home
Their dreams would return them to The Somme
Or Crete, or Giza, or Gallipoli 
Or their many days of torment spent at sea
But most would never speak a word
Of that hell made of blood, fear, fire and dirt

Where they saw their best friends injured and killed
And their hands had to render these same sorts of ills
On others who also had family and friends
While knowing any moment they may meet their ends
But yet pressing ahead with bravery and strength 
As they face death with fists and reddening mud in each trench
 
Those images will never be etched in our brains
And most of us will live for thirty-five thousand days
So at least one of those days in each three-sixty-five
We should stop and be thankful that we're free and alive
For the day we forget will soon be followed by
The day when thousands more of our loved ones die

So I'll remember the ANZACs and so will my kids
And may each new generation not be remiss
To say those 3 words "Lest we forget"
And remember their meaning for the living and dead

The Butterfly

I mentioned in Wednesday's post about my frustration with losing ideas before I can capture them and make them real and complete.

I was thinking about that today ~ as I tried to chase my way back through moments of inspiration that had spawned something beautiful, but which I had lost ~ when this new idea landed in my mind. This time I sat down quietly and captured it.


The Butterfly

On the flower I saw it flitter
Spotted wings of colour flapping
Slowly down, then up to pause
Maybe eating... but by no means napping
For it saw or smelt or felt me watching
Then sprung with life and leapt to flight
With me scrambling after, like a clumsy giant
Desperate to keep the thing in sight

I lost it for a moment...
Then locked it again into my gaze
And saw that it was floating lower
Onto a crumbling bail of hay
So I slowed, hoping to get up close
To capture this unique, delicate thing
In a photo, so it would not be forgotten
As a feather disappearing with the wind

I was almost there
I could make out lines and spots - red, orange, brown
When suddenly with bark and huff
Bounded over a hapless hound
The butterfly took off again
And distracted by this bag of fleas
That wondrous little creature
Very soon could not be seen

So I sat, forlorn, with filth-licked face
Against the remaining bail of hay
and before me flowed the field and hills
With trees in peaceful sway
All around was endless beauty
Sun and skies - blue, yellow, green
And as I smiled and exhaled a long slow breath
A butterfly landed on my knee

My fight to write continues...

There's a very good reason this blog is called "My Fight To Write". And I've certainly been losing the fight lately.

But that's what this is about ~ the fight. Not the "success". As much as people always tell me I should only present confidence and strength as an artist, I think that this is hardly what everyone in the world experiences. We all fight towards our goals and the direction we strive for in our lives. This is reality, and this is what I'm here to present.

This digression back to my old ways has made me realise the true worth of this blog. I'm like a relapsed drug addict. I've been writing, or at least having ideas, but the demands of getting my song recordings done, released, promoted, performances and everything else that goes with that (which is ironically all a result of this blog) has seen less ideas completed and many more not brought to life before they slipped into the ether.

This is the main thing that really gets me down in life.

Not getting my ideas out.

Not expressing myself.

Watching inspired moments fly off like a kite with no string.

When I'm committed to writing regular blog posts then I feel an urgency to get the idea from my head onto the page, so it can be used in my next entry. I grab it while it's close, rather than chase after it the next day as it floats through the air, just beyond my reach.

This helps me get things completed, which is the only way they are truly useful ~ complete. I can't perform a song, then stop part way through and say to the crowd "oh, I haven't finished that one yet." That would leave everyone involved very unsatisfied, and I'd look stupid.

With all my motivational poetry and writing (and conversation) people often think I must really have it together. I tell them that it means quite the opposite. I really struggle with motivation and positive thinking, which is why I spend so much time writing/thinking about it ~ trying to get it through my own head!

So I refer you to a poem I posted on July 19th last year.

Turn, Turn, Turn

It is about what it really means to "turn over a new leaf". And this is what I'm going to do. I've been talking about it for a while. Now it must happen, for my own sanity if nothing else.

So come back and check my blog soon. If you don't see anything new then send me an e-mail at ~ myfighttowrite@gmail.com ~ and tell me "I want to see something new!"

That would inspire me like little else could!

Belated Valentine's Day...

Sorry I disappeared. There's been a ridiculous amount going on and the blog had to get a kick down the priorities list unfortunately.

One reason for the disappearance is that I had to get my website and my album, Calienteza, finished. They're both finally done and although the official release is March 20th you can get yourself a signed copy right now from my give-receive page. You can't begin to know how much it would help me to have your support. I could get the music video made for "Hey (I Am Here For You Every Day)" for one, and I'm very excited about that as my film-makers are working on a very original idea. With your help we can make it happen!

The other REALLY important thing that happened is that I got married! If you're a reader of my blog you must know who Sam is by now. A great proportion of what's been posted on this blog in it's 18 month life has inspired by her. So you only need to look at a few of people's favourite pages in the right column, or just surf through the archives, and you'll be up to speed there.

And I wrote this song, which I played with myself and my acoustic while Sam walked down "the aisle", by which I mean "down the beach".

Tunnels Beach, Kauai, Hawaii ~ The incredible backdrop for my wedding to Sam, 5th Jan 2012

There are so many songs and poems which I've not had time to share on this blog in the past 6 months or more. So enjoy this increasingly rare moment of stripped back, one-take, me-and-my-computer-microphone, unedited intimacy.


"Do" isn't just a sound in this song. It has so much meaning for a wedding and for life. We should repeat "do, do, do" in our heads, everyday.

You'll be hearing more from me again from now. We've got a lot of catching up to do!


Happy Belated Valentine's Day!


Do (My Magnolia Tree)



D-do, do, d-d-do do do...

My magnolia tree
It smiles for me
It always gives its beauty happily

It notices my stress and concern
And gives flowers to make these things adjourn
But asks for nothing in return

My magnolia tree
Puts its arms around me
It cools me down when the weather’s growlin’ and angry

It notices when I’m feeling burnt
And give me shade to stop the hurting
But never asks for nothing in return

D-do, do, d-d-do do do...

So thank-you flowers
For sharing your powers
Of calming me through stressful hours
I look to you
To see what's true
My happiness bursts forth anew

D-do, do, d-d-do do do...

My magnolia tree
Is always there for me
When I get home it’s the first thing that I see

And as long as we’re sharing this earth
I’ll give it the love that it deserves and
Never ask for nothing in return
No, I’ll never ask for nothing in return

So thank-you flowers
For sharing your powers
For brightening even the darkest hours
Yes, I love you
It’s so so true
I want to spend my life with you
So my unique beauty
Please say “I do”